Disappointment. It’s the hope that gets you.
The polls are wrong, the metrics unreliable, the interview was okayish, the longshot promotion just possible… and the last-minute equalizer may just happen.
And then it happens – the wrong outcome, rejection, deselection or passed over. The real-life Video Assistant Referee doesn’t provide a reprieve and someone else is lifting the trophy.
Disappointment is a massive part of being a functioning, successful human. Famously, Thomas Edison failed to make the first electric light bulb 2774 times.
Some of your disappointments won’t make much of a difference, and on the 2775 attempt you’ll nail it. But some disappointments may change the course of a life fundamentally, if you let them do so.
Approaches to disappointment
How we approach potential disappointment varies, depending on our life experiences.
Writing in the Harvard Business Review back in 2018, renowned psychoanalyst Professor Manfred Kets de Vries notes how some people set the bar low to avoid disappointment, avoiding risks and opting for self-preservation. Ultimately though, they can feel disappointment realising their lack of ambition or progress later.
Others seek to avoid disappointment by setting the bar unrealistically high, convinced that with extreme effort and total commitment the goal can be reached. But their perfect outcome is unattainable, and ultimately disappointment awaits in some form.
More balanced people, who don’t aim for perfection but give their best efforts, are still going to be disappointed regularly. But they are secure in their self-concept and are able take stock, learn from setbacks and move on, coping constructively before moving forward.
Disappointment is not meant to destroy us but is inevitable.
How to respond to disappointment
How we respond is a choice. If we handle calamity and disappointment constructively, we can learn, grow and become more resilient.
So if you’ve just lost a football final, a seat in Parliament or been refused a raise:
Acknowledge: it’s okay to be pissed off, frustrated or angry. Your emotions are valid and reasonable. Talk to others and name the emotions explicitly. If you like, label and write down your emotions. It’ll help with processing the hurt.
Contextualize: This disappointment is all devouring right now but is only a single moment in your life. It’s just a cloud passing through your sky, if you like. There have been and will be other triumphs and setbacks, and none of these should define who you are or where you are going. What are the good things that are going on in life now or await you in the future? What other setbacks have you bounced back from? What can you learn from those?
Reality check: were you realistic about your chances of success? Were you being unrealistically optimistic and seeking a perfect outcome? Or were you disappointed because you set the bar so low, that the outcome is underwhelming? Consider if this is the moment to reframe how you think about and approach such situations.
Grow up: harness your growth mindset. Think about what’s been good or useful about the experience, what you’ve learned so far and could continue to learn going forwards – and then what you could do differently next time.
If you are interested in finding out what we can do for you and receiving support from an Act 5 coach, please contact us today.
